Since I was a child, I have been a big fan of love. I get thrilled when I hear love stories, I sigh at a happy ending, I smile at the sight of holding hands. I felt that I want to be part of a love story. I want to be able to hold someone's hands and say I love you. At a very young age, I was already thinking this way.

I had my first guy best friend during first grade. He was great! We were seatmates and we helped each other out during classes. We even shared our problems. I found myself staring at him and thinking about him most of the time, I felt what they had described in love movies; I felt butterflies in my stomach when I was with him. I believed that I was in love.

I believed that 'love' is a feeling of admiration, a feeling of wanting to be with someone, and wanting to hold his hand. I carried this belief with me, even as I grew older.

I had another best friend during my first year in high school. "He was great!", I thought. He was raised in the states, and he acted different from everybody else. Again, I felt what they had described in love movies. I was again in love. He wasn't a believer. In fact, he didn't believe in God, and because I liked him and he was my best friend, I believed in what he believed. He changed my way of thinking.. I was slowly turning my back on God subconsciously, and I liked how it felt.. Even though I had stopped liking him, I still had his influence. I was slowly becoming a non believer.

In the year 2006, my family started to be active in attending Sunday worship services. I thought it was 'baduy' because they became all holy all of a sudden. But because I was part of the family, I had to go. Then to my surprise, someone caught my attention. I saw him every Sunday, and little did I know, I was feeling what they had described in love movies again. I was in love again.

I found out that he was also part of the Youth ministry, so I started to go there as well. I didn't have any idea on what they do there, but I didn't care. He will be there, so I wanted to be there too.

My feelings for him grew stronger, and I can say that it made me do really stupid and embarrassing things.  I did things that I thought will make a way for us to get close. I attended the Youth service regularly, I became part of a discipleship group, I attended other CCF involved activities, just because he will be there. I became active at church for the wrong reasons. Then I don't know what happened, he probably found out my big secret, because I felt that I was being avoided. Or maybe I was just paranoid, I don't know. But for sure, I felt rejected. I was really hurt. I felt broken. I wanted to be loved back.. And because he was showing signs that he doesn't like me at all, this feeling grew stronger.

I became worse. I felt so worthless, I felt ugly, I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved back. I felt that I didn't even deserve God. I wanted to just die.

Because of this feeling of brokenness, I longed for God. I felt that I really needed Him, so I signed up for the Youth camp. It was great. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and since then, I can say that I had a personal relationship with Him.

My longing for God grew stronger. I signed up for an upcoming event for the Sunday school, the DVBS. "Maybe through this, I can serve God in exchange for saving me", I thought. So I attended.

Again, someone caught my attention. He was one of the marshalls and I was one of the group guides, so I see him all throughout the DVBS event. He was really nice. He helped me a couple of times, and I thought it was sweet. I was again, in love. But this time, I didn't go for it. Instead, I prayed for it. I prayed that he will notice me, and that God will allow us to be friends. I made a deal with God. I said, "Lord, please just allow us to be friends. Allow me to be part of his life. I know it's not the right time for relationships so I promise you that I won't be anything to him except a friend until the right time comes." I kept on praying. I prayed for two years, and it finally happened.  For some reason, I found out his number, and I prayed about texting him. After a while, I sent my first text message, and that was the start of it all.

We talked often, and we see each other every time they worship at CCF alabang. I thought, wow God has answered my prayer. Could this be the start of something? This went on for a while, and he finally asked me to be his best friend. Eventually, he confessed that he had feelings for me. I was overwhelmed. I thought that that was it, REAL love. The love that leads to marriage. Real love that I always wanted.

Being driven by our feelings for each other, we advanced our relationship as friends, to lovers. His mom didn't like me, so we ended up hiding our relationship, and lying to his parents. Our relationship went on. He made promises like he'll marry me after he finished college. We even had plans on where our house will be. I thought it was really sweet.

When I started college, he was still my boyfriend. We see each other often. But something had changed our relationship. When he first hugged me, it felt really nice. I felt loved. My longing to be loved was satisfied. But one thing will always lead to another. Our hugs led to holding hands. Our holding hands led to kisses... And it leads to something more, making us push the line.

I can say that we went a little bit too far. We didn't do anything drastic like engaging in premarital sex, but I know that we weren't making God happy anymore. The fact that we were together as lovers was already crossing the line. I promised God that I won't be anything to him but a friend until the right time comes if only He will allow us to be friends. To make it worse, we were not able to guard each other's purity. It already felt different. I felt like he only wanted to see me so that he could be physically intimate with me. I didn't feel the 'love' anymore. This kind of relationship went on but after a while we finally broke up. I guess God just saved me before I give in to the pressure. As much as it hurts losing him, I know that what God did was for my own good.

Now I know what the phrase True Love Waits really means. True love waits, not only sexually, but also emotionally. I've been giving a portion of my heart away, all my life. But because of what happened, I was able to realize and come to a point where I've decided to just be patient and wait for God's best for me. I still think about him and miss him sometimes, but I know God will get me through.

1 Peter 5:7 says "The Lord cares for you so turn all your worries over to Him."

I'm in the process of recovering from a hurtful relationship but I know that God will make things better.Ü I was stupid to think that nobody loved me. THE ALMIGHTY GOD LOVES ME! :D

God's best, where ever you are, I love you. I'm longing for you. <3